Thank You. Here are the 3 Truths

#1 Your Brain Loves to Stay in Confusion

I know your brain is spinning with all the different scenarios. That is perfectly normal.  You are probably having thoughts like:  I could stay and make things work.  Maybe he will change…If I leave, what about the kids?...I know he loves me but it’s not how I need to be loved…I am bored in this relationship…I love him but hate his behavior… We’re toxic for each other..I made a promise to stay…Things would be better if we separated…Maybe I should stay and just have an affair…My relationship looks great from the outside, but I’m not happy…How could I financially make it work without him?.. What would my family think?...I love my family and am committed to staying a unit…I could feel free and grow if I wasn’t tied to this…I could stay in this and get relief from my job…I should stay…It is the right thing to do…I should leave…I deserve to be happy.  Do any of these sound familiar?

The truth is that our brain loves to stay in confusion.  Why?

You have a part of your brain that is the primitive brain.  It is left over from caveman days and prefers to keep you in the cave where it is safe. It is an amazing part of your brain that was designed to scare you and generate doubt and confusion. It doesn’t mean to. It just wants to keep you alive.

 The problem is that it keeps you in confusion.  It will serve you up all the reasons why it is not a good idea to make a change.  It is better to stay put than to try the unknown.  Learning to recognize it is a skill that will happen with practice.  When you notice it popping up with all the chatter, like a toddler insisting on getting what it wants, just recognize it.  Let your higher brain tell it “I see you and I see what you’re doing.  We are safe.  We will figure this out”.

 Your primitive brain is always seeking pleasure, avoiding pain and doing things that take the least amount of effort.  It does this to keep you safe and alive.

 I like to think of the primitive brain as a hard drive that needs an upgrade. It seems outdated in today’s world when we don’t have animals trying to eat us, aren’t going to be left behind by the herd, and have stores offering every imaginable pleasure.

As humans evolved, we developed the pre-frontal cortex which is just behind your forehead. The pre-frontal cortex plans, analyzes, collects data, and is capable of watching the primitive brain (along with many other things).

 There are many times when your primitive brain seems to just take over.  It takes conscious effort to recognize what it is up to and to remind it that it doesn’t need to be in charge.  You have the pre-frontal cortex and that allows you to make a CONSIOUS decision and choice in what you want to do.

 Now that you know about the primitive brain, it makes sense that you’re staying in confusion on whether to stay or leave your relationship.  It will be painful to do the unknown.  Your brain thinks it is safer and easier to stay doing exactly what you are doing rather than to make a decision that will require thought work and change. The good news is that you have a choice.

 You can leave and be happy or you can stay and be happy.

 You get to decide if you want to stay or leave your relationship, love the reasons for your choice and move forward without regret.  You’ll make this decision with your conscious brain not your primitive brain. It will take thought work.  You can begin looking at what your reasons are for wanting to stay and what your reasons are for wanting to leave.  Just knowing it is normal to be in confusion can allow you the freedom to really look at your reasons.  It is that sneaky primitive brain at work, but your higher brain sees what it’s doing.

This is your life and what you want for your life matters.

#2 It Only Takes One Person to Change

Things would be great if he would just change.  The truth is, you can change the relationship just by changing your thoughts.

 We have so many rules and requests for the other person that if they would just do, things would be fine.  If he would just make more money...I wish he would take me out for a romantic dinner every once in a while…If only he liked to do the same activities I like to do…He just needs to not drink so much…He should spend more time with the kids…He doesn’t listen to me when I talk…He shares too much personal information…He watches too much TV…He should work more so I can work less…He needs to help more around the house.

The problem is that as much as we may want to, we cannot change another person.  Adults have the ability and freedom to behave however they choose. That includes you. The only person you can change is you.   You can start now by taking responsibility for your thoughts and actions.

It’s perfectly reasonable to make requests of your partner, but always remember that whether they decide to honor your request has nothing to do with you. It has everything to do with them. Embracing this concept, sets you up for very enjoyable, long lasting, and conflict free relationships.

Start letting people just be who they are. When you don’t try to control them, they feel safe to be their true selves, and this is what authentic, intimate relationships are made of. You can be much calmer when you don’t make others’ end actions mean something negative and you can also really hear them out. You can get their perspective on things, hear their side of the story, and understand why they do or don’t do what you’ve requested. This is so much more effective than trying to get them to change.

There is nothing you ever have to do, and there is nothing anyone else has to do for you.

It is common in modern couples’ therapy for two people to sit down, discuss what has happened, and then share with each other what their needs are so the other person can work to meet those needs. It is fine to voice your needs but the problem with this is that it creates an expectation that the other person will do what you ask.  They might not.  Then what? It is a manual set up for disaster. The truth is, each of us is responsible for meeting our own needs.

You’re an adult and You get to be and do whatever you want. Just work on your own thoughts and feelings. You don’t have to try and change the other person at all. It never works anyway. Others will appreciate it. There’s nothing better than being with someone who just loves you for who you are and isn’t always trying to change you. You have to let go and let adults be adults. It only takes one person to change a relationship.  That one person can be you.

#3 You Have a Voice Use it

Are you expressing your wants and needs?  In Truth #2 you saw how it is impossible to change someone else.  But you have a voice and you can use it in a kind and loving way to talk to your partner and set boundaries if needed.

When you don’t speak truthfully to your partner, you end up angry and condescending. Then there is resentment that bubbles up stemming from not being courageous enough to stand up. This usually comes from thoughts you are having about what might happen if you DO speak up. There may be fear that your partner won’t love you, will be disappointed, will say mean things to you or may leave you.

Not speaking the truth about what you are thinking or feeling to your partner will deteriorate your relationship. Even just the little things. Maybe there was a time when he did something that you didn’t like. Your initial thoughts may have made you feel sad or angry. Instead of letting him know, you just went along your merry way as if it didn’t matter. Meanwhile you might come up with all these explanations in your head about why he did what he did. Thoughts such as... it matters more to him than it does to me…why would he do that without asking me?...He doesn’t care about me…I’m not important to him. But you never say anything. These thoughts cause you pain and resentment and he doesn’t even know. (or worse you react by shouting or slamming a door assuming that he SHOULD know what is wrong).

Opening up and being vulnerable is so much better. But the thought of the pain you might experience based on what his response might be keeps you quiet. Instead, you suffer the pain, carry the sadness, don’t say anything, resent him for it, and don’t show up as the person you want to be. You show up as some fake version of yourself.

When you are too scared to share what you are thinking or feeling with your partner, your partner ends up being with someone who isn't even you. How do you even know if they will love the real you? And if they don’t, then what?

Then you know. And you can move forward from there.

It is worth knowing. There is nothing greater than being just exactly as you are, with your human thoughts and emotions. Loving yourself enough just to show up like that.